Feeling Worthless

Feeling worthless.

That’s where I was three years ago when I was contemplating the year ahead.

Taking time out to bring up my young children had taken its toll on my self-esteem.  I’d really had to work on my confidence just to even put myself forward for interviews.  I’d looked through so many jobs online and my options seemed so limited.

Moving out of London to give better opportunities to our kids definitely reduced the options for me.  Everything I looked at was so badly paid.  Less than I’d been earning as a temp 10 years before in London.

I’d tried going back to London, but the cost of commuting on top of the childcare, made a teacher’s salary seem pretty insignificant.

Eventually, I found some hourly paid teaching work closer to home.

With the help of a coach, I’d worked on my confidence enough to apply for enough jobs to get an interview.  I’d applied for a lot before that and had not been selected.  I was so grateful that anyone would give me any kind of work.

I didn’t complain when my managers left two weeks later and I had no one to report to.  Didn’t complain when I was given the one subject I’d said at the interview I hadn’t taught before.  When they merged the classes and reduced my hours I didn’t say anything.

I was just so grateful to be given the work as I felt my options were so limited.

I didn’t realise back then that there was any other way to make money other than to work in a job.  So I was just grateful for anything that I’d been given.

I found out, almost by accident, about all the other ways I could get paid rather than doing what I’d always done.

I realised that it was only my own self-judgment that was making me feel worthless.  Tying the hourly rate I was getting paid into a judgment about my own self-worth.

Until I realised that I was doing the best I could and I was still the same person that had earned more in a much better job in London.

I was judging my own worthiness by my pay pocket because back then I didn’t understand about different streams of income.

I thought all my past experience was worthless because I didn’t have any options that would work around my kids. Now I realise that our circumstances don’t affect our value, but if we allow them to affect our self belief they just might.



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